Balancing my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing any man, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you could encounter a person offering a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Worrying about the future and playing endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
